2020 has turned me into a full on hermit, anybody else freaked out?
I have a confession to make…
2020 has turned me into a full on hermit and it scares me to death .
As a lifelong introvert its something I have always had to balance. Walking the line between relishing in my introvert nature as well as challenging myself and showing up in the world. Respecting my own needs for alone time while also pushing myself to go out into the world and get messy.
I recognize energetically that if I lean fully into my introvert ways I become out of balance and out of touch. I am only speaking for myself but I feel my natural balance is maintaining a ratio consisting of 65% introversion to 45% meeting the world head on. Honestly if left up to my own devices I would probably just be 100% introvert, happy to work from home, enjoy my small circle of friends and family, run endless miles, and fantasize in the world that exists in my mind.
However it just doesn’t feel right. I feel off. I feel like something is wrong in my soul if I lean in that hard. One part of me satisfied and another part of me yearning for something more.
However this situation with Covid 19 and how it has impacted everyone globally has presented an interesting dilemma for myself and I am sure many others.
At first it might seem like 2020 has been an introverts dream.
I get to work from home.
I don’t have any awkward workplace conversations.
I don’t wear pants.
I can turn down any and all social events that doesn’t resonate with me.
It’s essentially been a free ticket to do exactly what I want, when I want, and being able to relish in all the alone time I could ever possibly need.
Yet I have a very serious issue now.
I have become a full on hermit.
AND DRUMROLL PLEASE
I DON’T LIKE WHO I AM BECOMING!
I mean sure its been nice at times… I do love that my job as a product designer has turned fully remote but this has been too much, even for myself. I can’t even imagine the pain extroverts have faced.
All I do is work from home, run errands, buy food, see my immediate family, and run in the park logging mile after mile.
Sure, I had a long distance relationship which recently ended and my heart feels like its been thrown in a dumpster fire and thank god my brother in law and pregnant little sister have been staying with me keeping me sane but I feel like a shell of who I was in some ways.
I have to be honest I don’t even remember what life before 2020 was like. What did I do, where did I go, and how do I get back to a life where everyday feels like a new page as opposed to groundhogs day.
It’s unsettling.
Yet, we still face so many unknowns and this lifestyle is here to stay at least for some time if we wish to be responsible and considerate to out fellow neighbors.
I think as introvert I have realized through this pandemic that when it’s over I want to make a sincere effort to communicate more, connect deeper, and express myself in a more external way in the world.
If I get the blessing to live to be say 80, will I be someone with some seeds of wisdom planted inside of me. Will I be the cool old dude people want to be around. How do I make sure I have fruitful and beautiful connections when I am older. I suppose that work starts now.
2020 has given us lots to think about by forcing us to look into the mirror. It was much needed for myself.
Hell I started writing and will be publishing this as an effort to begin reaching out to the world. Here I am screaming into my empty corner of the internet.
